I once told a dear prep school friend that I liked Tchaikovsky. My friend, the late poet David L. O’Melia, said, “Tchaikovsky is like an ice cream sundae— as you get older you’ll appreciate Bach and Mozart.” David, who was to die in airplane crash while still a student, was reservedly right. I did come to revere Bach and Mozart but not at Tchaikovsky’s expense.
David had a similar response to my first poem. I was 14 and snarky about Edward FitzGerald’s irreligious and misleading translation of Omar Khayyam. “Take the cash and let the credit go,” etc. I loved the poem but disagreed with its sentiments, so I set out to compose a retort in the same quatrain structure.
“Do you have any idea how bad Fitzgerald’s translation is?” David admonished. Of course I didn’t. I loved it, the way the “enlightened” selfish today love Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. It would be many years before I learned that Khayyam was hardly the man the Victorian FitzGerald had given the West. He was in fact a mystic and mathematician much more to my liking. But I had begun my checkered career as a poet.
When David and I were studying at Manhattan’s Dwight School we had a mentor, Assistant Headmaster George B. Donus, who was passionate about the classics and is undoubtedly responsible for my repeated rereadings of The Iliad and The Odyssey. Mr. Donus was of Greek descent, and I have often wished I could discuss my fondness for the poetry of C.P. Cavafy and other matters Greek with him.
My unpromising career as a poet was interrupted not so much by a stint in the Navy or the untoward necessity to earn a living as a newspaperman, but rather by my habit of melting down and calling it by other names. It happened first in the spring of my junior year at Columbia. It was sunny that day on 116th Street when suddenly everything got too big, too loud and too close. They probably would have called it a nervous breakdown in those days. I’m sure I called it good cause for a beer. It happened again, often accompanied by “spotty amnesia.” You wake up one morning and can’t remember how to tie your shoes. It’s as if your hard disk had thrown out files during the night, but you don’t know which ones yet. Sort of a metaphor for life’s surprises.
In retrospect this was very good for a poet. We’re all mad, but we’re mad in different ways, and a poet has to discover and celebrate his particular madness while tossing in its harrowing throes. But in my 30s, burdened by the weight of my own follies, I gave up poetry. Well, I gave up writing it, but I kept on reading and studying it. I had discovered, as I tried to fathom my meltdowns, that I hadn’t wanted to be caught saying what I meant or meaning what I said. It was a horrifying discovery, something like Dorian Gray’s painting in the attic. My poems had been a pretense, or so I concluded.
But when I resumed writing poems in 2001 the problem had vanished. In fact, I couldn’t disguise what I meant for the life of me. Better yet, I knew what I meant. It was such an exhilarating feeling that I found to my surprise that I wasn’t giving much thought to publishing these poems. This was curious, I thought. Then I remembered my years of pondering the work of Ibn al Arabi, and I saw that I regarded the making of a poem as an act of co-imagination. I was, with God, co-imagining an ever-evolving universe. This was my job, my prayer.
I can’t say much more about this, for the moment, the moment being the announcement by Kent State University that they have given me their Stan and Tom Wick Poetry Prize. (more…)